


Macwell's Silver Hammer

by orphan_account



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Dark Comedy, M/M, mostly implied macdennis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-14
Updated: 2016-03-14
Packaged: 2018-05-26 18:52:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 928
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6251545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>Bang, bang, Macwell's silver hammer came down upon her head!</i><br/><i>Bang, bang, Macwell's silver hammer made sure that she was dead!</i><br/>Dennis finally snaps and kills someone, but that's no surprise.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Macwell's Silver Hammer

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally a fanfiction idea that I turned into a short story for my creative writing class, and then turned back into a fanfiction. 
> 
> Also, the title and summary is an obvious reference to "Maxwell's Silver Hammer," by The Beatles

Mac didn’t ask for much in life; an apartment with working heating during the winter, a pantry full of boxed mac and cheese, and a roommate that didn’t drive him crazy. So far, at the age of 36, he’d managed to attain one of those things, and there were only so many problems that mac and cheese could fix. Unfortunately, Dennis wasn’t one of them. Living with Dennis for nearly a decade and a half had taught him various life lessons: the most important of which was to never expect a quiet night at home without something going horribly wrong first. 

“Oh my god,” Mac dropped his plate of mac and cheese on the kitchen floor, and the clatter attracted Dennis' attention from the living room.

“Oh… shit…” Dennis murmured form his seat on the couch, “I forgot to tell you about that…”

“HOW COULD YOU FORGET ABOUT THIS?” Mac gestured wildly to the decapitated head sitting in their freezer — coagulated blood had oozed all over the interior of their fridge.

It coated his box of popsicles, and he couldn’t help but feel a fleeting sense of sadness at the loss of his delicious dairy treat. 

Of course, that feeling was immediately replaced by panic at the not so subtle reminder that, yes, there was indeed, a decapitated woman’s head in the freezer.  The more he looked at her, the more he couldn’t help the urge to gag, but even so, he couldn’t stop staring at her strangely familiar face. He knew her.

“Maureen?” He asked, more to the empty air than anyone in particular, it wasn’t like she was gonna respond anytime soon.

“Oh yeah.” Dennis answered, appearing right behind Mac in the kitchen, a horrible sense of pride radiating off of him as he looked between Mac and Maureen.

Mac jumped at the closeness, but the sudden lack of personal space was the least of his worries at the moment.

“Dennis…” Mac started out slowly, trying and failing almost immediately to keep his cool. “ Do you mind explaining to me… what in God’s name is Maureen's decapitated head doing in our freezer?”

Mac was also concerned over the whereabouts of the rest of the body, but considering the head was currently staring him down in the middle of his kitchen, he focused on it first.

“Oh well… It’s a whole thing… I don’t really wanna get into it now when my show’s on, ya know?”

“No! No! No, I don’t know! I need some goddamn answers, dude!”

Dennis rolled his eyes, and waved his hand dismissively at him, “Aaahh, I knew you’d throw a fit if you saw the head. I was gonna get rid of it before you got home, but then Conan started and I wasn’t gonna miss out on that right?”

Dennis, as if his ex-wife’s head wasn’t staring at him from their freezer, opened the fridge and got a beer for himself before returning back to the comfort of the couch.

“No one skimps out on hiding a body just so they can watch Conan!” Mac snapped, following him over to the living room.

“Well this guy did.” Dennis shrugged, “So like are you gonna keep talking over the interviews or…”

“Yes!” Mac snatched the remote from him, and muted the TV, “Yes I am gonna keep talking over the interviews until I get some answers!”

“Uggghhhhh….” Dennis slumped deeper into his chair, “Okay, okay fine. I may or may not have murdered my ex wife.”

“Well I can _see_ that!” Mac gestured back to the head, which was still staring at him from the kitchen, and oh god it was so creepy. “Mind filling me in on the _why_?”

“Well…” Dennis started, a bored expression fixed on his face, “ Basically… I’ve just been really swamped lately with my alimony payments. And a decision had to be made. Either pay my alimony this month, or make some major cutbacks, cause i’m having a real hard time supporting us both on a bartenders salary.”

“Okay well… maybe murder’s a bit of an extreme, don’t you think?”

“It was either kill Maureen, or I don’t know… cancel our Netflix subscription?”

“What?! You can’t cancel the Netflix!”

“Exactly! That’s what I’m saying!”

Mac covered his face with his hands, he was supposed to be the pillar of morality here. And choosing the convenience of streaming movies over the sanctity of human life was kind of a dick move. He gave a resigned sigh and slumped on the couch next to Dennis. Mac leaned over and swiped the beer bottle away from him and nearly emptied it down his throat.

“You’re a goddamn sociopath.” Mac muttered, leaning his head against Dennis' shoulder.

“Yeah, probably. But I know you still love me," Dennis wrapped his arm around Mac, and toyed with his hair, “And ya know, since we’re such great pals, I’d really appreciate some help mopping up the bathroom cause… damn… it’s a real mess in there.”

Mac scoffed, and pushed lightly against him. “I knew you’d need my help. You’re so good at making messes, but never cleaning them up.”

Dennis laughed, and the tension in the room seemed to evaporate. 

“I don’t have to be good at cleaning them up! Not when I have you!”

They unmuted the TV when the commercials ended, and spent the rest of the night watching Conan together, all while Mac tried his damnedest to ignore the smell of rotting flesh wafting in from the kitchen.

He’d have to remember to pick up air freshener at the store tomorrow.


End file.
